Wednesday, 2 October 2013

I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie


 A’ Wight my lovers?

It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged (muchos apologies for that, one has missed you all!) and much has changed. While my health has remained a continued source of ball aches, it’s with a Stilton strength cheesy grin that I can report a huge improvement in all things depression and mood related and since I started The Cambridge Diet in August I’ve had even more reason to wrack up the Stilton smiles.

It was times like the 27th of August, one day BC (Before Cambridge), that you wonder to yourself how you got to this point in time. Not in a Michael Fox jumping into The Delorian kind of way (although maybe if I’d had a Delorian I’d travel back in time and sew my gob shut).
No, what I was wondering was, ‘how did I let myself put on this much weight?’. It’s not like an arse this size can creep up on you, yet one morning I woke up and realised ‘Holy Moses, I’ve become quite the chunker’. 
And no I’m not actually a deluded size 8, prancing around my room declaring ‘I’m so fat and bloated!” when all I need is a good fart. I am overweight, under the BMI system and NHS guidelines.
I’ll spare you all the self indulgent crap about how I managed to put on weight and I will readily admit that I am 60% to blame for moving to Chunk Town and setting up shop.  Maybe 70% if I’m being generous.
I shan’t play the old Health Card again (poor thing is so dog eared now that I’m going to have to laminate it) but I will say in my defence (flimsy though it is) as well as eating all the wrong things, illness and medication have also been additional factors in my overall weight gain. Laziness and lack of motivation haven’t helped either, in fact they couldn’t have been any less of a help if they’d run up the street to Healthy Living and set up roadblocks.
It’s not easy to admit its your own fault that you’re now so overweight that everything you wear has to have lycra in it, but with no-one else left to accuse the blame comes full circle.

But now the ghost is up (as well as the weight gain). If you let it, your arse will get so big you’ll catch sight of it out of the corner of your eye and begin to thing that someone is chasing you. Nobody needs to be stalked by their own arse, and mine was well and truly hounding me.

So I am now 5weeks in and I’ve lost a stone and 2lbs.  Everyone needs to come to the decision of losing/gaining weight and how they’re going to do it in their own time and under their own steam. As well as realising that my main food group was chocolate I had a lengthy and honest conversation with my endocrinologist who recommended Cambridge (I like shortening it to Cambridge, someone could stumble upon this blog and mistake me for and intellectual).
You’re also designated a consultant who you see once a week for your weigh in’s and chats and mine is called Trudi and as well as having done the diet herself (and looking amazing for it, the jammy wotsit!) she’s there day and night to always keep me motivated and she’s better than a bag of Haribo when I’m struggling. Everyone needs a Trudi if they’re trying to lose weight.
I’d like to say that the past 5weeks have been really hard and I feel a total smug cow when I say that I’ve actually really enjoyed them.  As per my depression, my arse is something I’m simply trying to size down into more workable proportions
While this is currently a big part of my life and will have an affect on some of the coming recipes I post, never fear, I still advocate a varied and balanced diet and there will still be the cake and cookie recipes that everyone knows and loves…you’ll just have to bake ‘em, eat ‘em and enjoy ‘em for me for the time being!

I’m not interested in boring the tits off you all with any brutally emotional diet interplay but I would obviously like to acknowledge and embrace the somewhat symbiotic relationship between a persons physical size/appearance (under or overweight) and the affect it has on their confidence and self esteem.
People lose and gain weight for a million different reasons, all of them, quite frankly, nobody else’s pissing business.
Not all of us sprung from the well of good genes and fast metabolisms, and I wouldn’t dream of going to go up to someone in the street who had a face like a builders elbow and ask them why they’re so bloody ugly, would you?
Our appearance specifically our weight and bodies and peoples opinions of it seem to have public property whether it’s asked for or not. I think that’s half the reason women ask if their bum looks big, it’s to pre-empt being told that it does!

Women of our generation are a breed apart when it comes to the art of being a Mega Bitch and when it comes to criticising other women we all seem to jump on the bandwagon with un-abandoned, zealous glee and will ravage each others looks and weight like the zombies that chase that poor Andrew Lincoln man on The Walking Dead.
My point is (Many apologies, I took the scenic route to get arrive here) is that we judge each other so freely and quickly, and whether someone wants to divulge their reasons for losing weight, gaining weight, growing a beard, shaving an eyebrow off or letting pubic hair grow long enough to do a fishtail braid, it really is not our business to ask why. 
My mother always taught me it was rude to ask any of the following; “How old are you?” ,“Do you know your breath smells?” And “Can I ask, how big is the circumference of your arse in centimetres?”.  

So if I ask if my arse looks big? Even if its looking the size of the Brazilian rainforest I’d rather live in ignorance, the answer is always a resounding ‘no’.

Peace out my lovelies.

Is anyone on a particular diet at the moment? If you have any questions about any of the diets I’ve mentioned or anything else (including fat jokes) drop me a comment in the box below or send an email to the usual place.

Not everyone will agree with the method of weight loss as offered by The Cambridge Diet and for the record I neither endorse nor dissuade this particular program, it was suggested to me by a medical professional and thus far it’s working wonders for me.
It’s not in my interest to encourage or discourage any kind of weight gain or loss, particularly through any preferred diet companies. I have no affiliations with The Cambridge Diet company, in the interest of equal airtime I’d like to add that in the past I have used Weight Watchers, Slim Fast and the Atkins diet in order to lose weight. I have been overweight and underweight and during a very short period of my life suffered with bulimia which I quickly and fully recovered from. Everyone is different, and I would encourage anyone reading this to do whatever feels and works best for them in order to gain, lose or maintain their weight.